Back to myself

Much has happened in the last 2 months...some great, some really not great at all. At the beginning of December Alma and I had made contact with a birth mother who had chosen us to be the parents to the baby boy due at the beginning of January. We were elated at the idea of becoming parents and so happy to be off the adoption roller coaster. We kicked into high gear with preparations: Baby prep, work leave prep, legal prep, travel prep, financial prep. We made a trip to California to meet the family, breezed through the holidays spending Christmas Day to set up the nursery, and were lovingly showered with gifts by my incredibly generous coworkers. The whirlwind we were in was very reminiscent of our move to Chicago for grad school...crazy, but something we had waited a long time for. Unfortunately, New Year's Eve night we got the call that brought all our plans to a screeching halt. She had changed her mind- simple as that. Changed her mind and broke our hearts. We always knew it was a possibility, we were just so hopeful it wouldn't be a part of our story. It was so hard to be able to mourn/grieve but to try to remain positive and trust that there is something to learn from it all. Just the other day at works a friend gave me a hug and said "Welcome back. This is the Amber I love. I love the other Amber too, but she was so sad. It's nice to see you again!" This brought a smile to my face, and yet made me sad at the same time. I don't like to think that I could be altered so much by the actions of others. So, we are back to our old selves and back on the hunt for the child who is meant to be a part of our family. We are so grateful for our family and friends who through their love and prayers have lifted us up and helped us see all of our many blessings.